A constant prayer of mine is that God may truly “break my heart for what breaks his” (along with the rest of the lyrics of the song Hosana – the whole song is actually always a prayer of mine, I love it so much). That way, He is exposing my brokenness and sins and He can mold me into something beautiful – even if it hurts. I had no idea what I was asking for.
I knew at the end of the summer that God was preparing me for a new season in my life. Little did I know that within the next several weeks my life would turn into what felt like a train wreck.
Family issues at home resulting in facing multiple things from childhood. School work stressing me out. Relationship issues exposing sins I didn’t even realize I was dealing with. Beginning to deal with a real client caseload which is emotionally heavy. Unexpected medical diagnosis. A presidential election, a national reaction to it and a broken heart resulting from it all. — All that just to say, it’s been a lot!
It’s weird making a list like that. Makes it feel like the things i’ve been dealing with aren’t a big deal because they’re so tangible. They’re right there, so black and white. Right? EH. Wrong.
It’s been taking a real toll on me. Typically, I would be completely shut down. I mean I have retreated to a certain extent just for self-care, but not like I would in the past. Strangely enough, despite it all, I have an immense peace. Well, it’s not strange at all actually – I know this is God. I know He is allowing me to go through these things in order to mold me into a better person. Don’t get me wrong, some of it I brought it on myself. Some are consequences of my own sinful nature, and I’m accepting full responsibility. However, I’ve learned so much and grew so much just in a couple of weeks. I feel like a completely different person than I was a couple months ago.
I know I’m growing into who God wants me to be but I’m hurt, I’m not okay because of my present circumstances. But it comforts me knowing growth happens only through pain. Going through a desert is hard, but no one said living according to the word of God was easy. I know He honors it, though. I know He promises great things, so I can’t wait for Him to reveal His blessings. I know he’s bringing me to a land of milk and honey.
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28 ESV