Same Old

You know. I always tend to find some hope for the future.

Something will change. Things will get better.

I’m starting to not believe that anymore. I look back to the things I used to feel, or even posts on here. I still feel the same exact way. I still feel alone, empty, hopeless, useless.

I was so proud of myself for getting off my anti-depressants. I really thought God had cured me. I had this whole epiphany. I thought that my life had changed forever. I’m slowly coming to the realization that I can never change. I will always be the mentally unstable girl. Will I always need to rely on pills for stability? For happiness? I hate to admit that they actually work. I hate to admit that I don’t always believe that “the joy of

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the Lord is my strength.” I hate to admit that “choosing joy” is nearly impossible for me. Why wouldn’t I “choose joy?” I’m a terrible Christian. Surely God hates me. I know he doesn’t. I know that when I’m sad I’m not rational. Logically, I know the truth. But really – why can’t I even trust him for my happiness? Honestly right now I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to turn?

I feel so alone. I feel unworthy of love. Family, friends, guys, even God’s love. I let him down – I continuously let him down. I mean I’m still depressed, right? I have people in my life, and for that I’m thankful. Honestly, I really am. However, I can’t help but have this constant notion that no one will stay around forever. Everyone will leave me because no one really cares. I know people will always let me down. I can’t expect much from them. Does that mean I can’t expect much from myself? I can’t expect myself to be 100% okay like I want to be?

Maybe that’s the answer. To give myself grace because in the end, I’m human. But I really can’t do that. Doesn’t seem right. I don’t want to settle for being depressed. This feeling is not okay. I’m not okay. I cannot go on through life feeling like this. There has to be more. And I know there is – I’ve experienced it. Why can’t I stay at that place? Why can’t I permentantly reside at the place of happiness and peace?

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