A note to self 

Dear Nicole,

The only justice is love. Just let it go. You don’t have to write back. You don’t have to respond. You don’t have to explain. Life is not about being right. There is truth inside the words you read, inside the songs you hear. You don’t feel at home anywhere, but you feel at home when you read that book. 

Someone calling you a liar, does not make you a liar. Just as someone calling you a hero, does not make you a hero. No human gets to name you. Find your identity in what matters, in that one true place. If someone gives you something, and then takes it back – accept it. If someone says something, and then they don’t – that’s okay.  Don’t keep reaching for rewind. Guilt and regret are awful places, you know that. Don’t live there. Do not despair. Do not be afraid. There is grace, there is hope. 

“God must be a pretty big fan of today, because you keep waking up to it.” You don’t always believe that. The sun keeps raising on this thing that has never been known. Regardless, you have made your request known for a thousand different yesterdays. Yesterday is dead. It’s over. Those days are wrapped in grace. You’re alive. Embrace today as the best place to be. 

Today deserves your attention. Friends, family, strangers deserve your attention. People whose lives you’ll touch even if you don’t feel worthy of it. Tell them about grace. Tell them about the books, the songs and how you hold onto it.  

Wake up. You’re alive. You don’t always want to be but accept that you are. Make the most of it. Immerse yourself in the grace that is today. You are free. Regardless of the madness in your head. Regardless of the pain and the heartache, the losses and the tears. You are worthy and you are loved. Don’t allow yourself to be fooled by others, to be so deeply affected and hurt by the rocky bends of the river of life. Remember that every river leads to the ocean. Remember, you will make it. 

Your friend, 

Nicole 

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