RE: Seven

A shift in perspective can do a lot. So often I still identify with who I was before or focus on who I’m not. Rather than focusing on who I am now with an appreciation of how far I’ve come.

God has really brought me far from where I’ve come. After writing my post titled “Seven,” I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Then, the events of this weekend was just another reminder of this: How much of a difference a shift in perspective can make.

Truth is, I see hope and a future now. Something that seven years ago, I never did. Yes, there was so much pain and heartbreak, but I’ve learned so much through them and those lessons I hold close to my heart. I catch myself looking back through a “woe was me” lens without appreciating and having a grateful heart that in my weakness He is strong.

I pray that regardless of what situation I find myself in and in every circumstance – my perspective stays heavenward.

Throughout the years I’ve always asked myself, “Why hasn’t God taken this stupid depression away?” When in reality I know the answer, even if at the time I’m in too much pain to remember. I know it’s just what he uses so that I’ll trust him more. Not that when I’m feeling like garbage, it means that I’m not trusting Him. I think it serves as a reminder to trust that He’ll come through. That He’ll provide the grace when no one else does, not even myself. That He’ll love me when I feel most unlovable. A reminder to trust that in His time, He’ll fill in those gaps in my life. The ones where I feel so incredibly inadequate, gross, ugly and unworthy.

Isn’t that what the message of the cross is anyway? The reason my Savior lives – to stand in the gap. How can I doubt that? Even when I feel like this world is better off without me, I know the message of the cross is real. How can doubt He won’t stand in my gaps, when I know the cross stands true?

I never want to worship vicariously, like so often I do when I feel terrible. I never want to serve without fully loving people. I long to always stay as close to His fire as I was on Mt. Carmel. I know nothing stands in the way of that, besides so often myself.

d115cf0f406ba70607e6da5714515d79I’m coming to a place in my life where all the chapters are coming to an end. I’m graduating and now officially a professional in this adult world (lol help). I can longer work at my job, because it’s for students. Even emotionally, God is working on my heart and healing so many wounds.

This weekend was the first to many doors I know God is going to open. I’m excited that I’m able to volunteer on a team at church dedicated to one of the things I’m most passionate about in life. I was never able to have my two worlds collide: church and mental health. More often than not, they collided in a negative way, resulting in me being shunned at church for dealing with mental illness. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be using my clinical license and educational background to educate the church and serve it’s members in a way not many can.

And to think that I still find myself identifying with the “old me,” when everything around me is proving how the “new me” is blossoming. God always reminds me of His special love for me in flowers, this is just another one of those reminders.

I feel like I’m coming to a season of new beginnings. My body may not  be “regenerating itself,” like people say the human body does every seven years, but I know my spirit is coming to a place of revival. I may feel stuck in my situations, but I know that just means God is going to move.

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