I find myself in this place often. I’ve been here for most of my life, for as long as I can remember.
Angry. Hurt. Upset. Unsafe. Angry. Exploited. Angry. Angry. Angry.
I’ve written him an open letter once before. I frequently go back revise and re-edit according to how I’m feeling lately. i may even update it according to how I’m feeling recently. I never have the courage to write the things that’s actually happen though.
But really- it’s sad that things even still happen on the continuous basis. When will this end? When will this fear end? When will I go to bed feeling comfortable in my own house, feeling safe in my own skin?
I used to think I could grow out of all this. That it was temporary. That maybe when I was older things would get better. Tow silly of me. Things are only getting worse. I got the news today that my mom was leaving again. We all know how that went last time.
I feel stuck – not financially ready to live on my own but in desperate need to leave this house. Should I feel guilty for leaving my sister behind? I kind of do, although I know I shouldn’t. This isn’t about being considerate, this is survival.
I know this is just my life, my unfortunate circumstance. I just wish things were different. I envy people who have healthy relationships with their dad, but it also freaks me out. I’ve been conditioned to think that no biological dad is worthwhile. Of course, I’ve dreamt of being walked down the aisle and of my future kids having a good grandfather, but none of that is worth any attempt at a relationship with him. forgiveness is different from reconciliation. If I’m being honest, my only wish is that my mom believed me and stood by my side protecting me.
I don’t have the willpower to talk about anything that happens at home with anyone anymore. I use to talk about it, but now I just end up bottling it all up (I know that’s bad). Only because truthfully, not one person listening or saying “wow that sucks, I’m sorry” will make me feel better. It won’t change my circumstances. It would never even come close to having my mom validate my feelings – I think that may be the only thing that makes me feel better right now. So, I feel worse when I try to talk things out. I’m only reminded about how I should feel safe, and how these things are not ok. So really what’s the point? I’d rather just keep it all to myself and deal with my reality as is.
All in all, I can’t do this anymore. I can’t live here. I can’t fight this fight. I can’t pretend. I need to run, but I have no place to go. I’m drowning and my lungs are running out of air. No one see this, no one can know anything. How I long to escape this place and make a name for myself. To tell the world that I made it, despite it all.
How thankful I am to have a Father that loves me unconditionally and would never take advantage of me. He has made me his precious daughter and looks at me like a jewel in His crown. I’ve always struggled to see my God as my Father, because I don’t know what a real father is. But man do I know my Heavenly Father’s radical and raging love for me surpasses all of my heartache. He has been healing my wounds and working to bind up my broken heart in ways I could have never imagined. It’s painful, but growth typically is.
My circumstances are still the same. I still feel trapped. I still feel like I’m drowning and that I want to run away. I’m still hurt, angry, upset, etc. and still have a need to be validated and believed. Everything I said still stands true. But I know my Dad is up to something. He loves me too much to allow me to go through years of abuse for without any reason. He is going to make something beautiful out of this one day, He’s going to make some gold out of all this garbage, I’m believing for it.