Seven.

It’s said that the human body replaces itself, at the cellular level, every seven years.

If you have ever taken a human biology class, ever, you know that’s not true. Every body part, every cell, has its own very distinct lifespan. A bunch of cell types are constantly getting replaced, and there are also a handful that never get replaced.

I’ve been thinking about that a lot this past week. That myth has always been in my head. Part of me always thought it to be true, or rather I wanted it to be true.. I think of this especially with the things going on in our culture right now. This past week one of my favorite humans ever, Jamie Tworkowski, wrote a response to “13 reasons why.” It was brilliant. Everything I could have possibly wanted to say.. (Read it here!)

2017 makes 7 years to a couple of things, including but not limited to:

7 years since I started taking antidepressants.

7 years since I first read the book 13 reasons why.

7 years since I attempted to take my own life.

Which as one can imagine all the above made the Netflix series really exciting for me to watch because I loved the book, but really triggering because Hannah was me.

I never talk about it. There is such a negative stigma around it, especially considering the field I’m in. Of course, theres the concept of “wounded healers” but no one really shares the “wounded” part. Of course my family knows, they found me half dead. But in my family, everything is shoved underneath the rug. How would that look like to others? A girl who went to church all her life, purposely overdosed. No one in the church knew. To everyone I was in the hospital for a month that summer for a “headache.” Right, okay.

I remember it so clearly. The agonizing stomach pain from all the pills, but the relief slowly letting go of reality into the nothingness that awaited me. I didn’t even care about what I’ve always heard at church. “I was going to hell.” Correction, I was leaving hell. I was in so much physical pain, but it was bliss. Pure substance induced bliss. I have no idea how I wound up at the hospital, incubated days later. Once I realized what was going on, I basically turned into the hulk. Forcefully ripping everything off me, with nothing but anger. Being forced down, strapped and labeled “flight risk,” so many thoughts flooding my mind. “Why didn’t it work? How could this happen? Why can’t I do anything successfully?” Being, the con that I am, I then faked it ’till I made it. I played every doctor in that hospital, then every therapist in the following residential treatment center into believing I was okay enough to leave that place weeks later. But of course, not without acting out, pulling pranks and flirting just because I was bored..

Maybe I shouldn’t have done that, maybe I would be okay now if I had only adhered to residential treatment, therapy, support groups, etc. I think about that sometimes. Not once have I regretted the attempt to take my own life though. Probably wrong to admit that, but it’s honest. More often than not, I get angry all over again that it didn’t work.

I still resonate so deeply with Hannah Baker, my former self, it frightens me. I still have that notion that everyone is against me, that my rep is a bad one, and that I’m perpetually alone. It’s not even a said notion, but much of it is fact. I probably shouldn’t have watched the series to be honest, for my own mental health. But truthfully I get mad at myself, too. I don’t blame my parents for not telling anyone. I should be okay. I should be relying on God. Regardless of how much I try its like nothing works. I should have a proper support system that points me to Him. How can I do that? How can I be a successful social worker anyway? These are only my daily anxieties, exacerbated by the viewing of the Netflix series. What is one to do anyway?

For this, I wish so badly that the body would regenerate itself every seven years. This year being the year I get a new brain, one that isn’t sick, or sad, or broken – or whatever is going on in there. This year being the year I simply forget everything in my past. I know all things are made new with Christ. And don’t get me wrong, so much has drastically improved, but I’m so incredibly tired of the journey. Of the struggles and the pain along the way.

But I guess that’s all that I shaped me into who I am today, huh?

17799367_913032005466055_5329688245529643794_n

 

Advertisements

Same Old

You know. I always tend to find some hope for the future.

Something will change. Things will get better.

I’m starting to not believe that anymore. I look back to the things I used to feel, or even posts on here. I still feel the same exact way. I still feel alone, empty, hopeless, useless.

I was so proud of myself for getting off my anti-depressants. I really thought God had cured me. I had this whole epiphany. I thought that my life had changed forever. I’m slowly coming to the realization that I can never change. I will always be the mentally unstable girl. Will I always need to rely on pills for stability? For happiness? I hate to admit that they actually work. I hate to admit that I don’t always believe that “the joy of

9d02dc44700015690d8d7a5041772292

the Lord is my strength.” I hate to admit that “choosing joy” is nearly impossible for me. Why wouldn’t I “choose joy?” I’m a terrible Christian. Surely God hates me. I know he doesn’t. I know that when I’m sad I’m not rational. Logically, I know the truth. But really – why can’t I even trust him for my happiness? Honestly right now I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to turn?

I feel so alone. I feel unworthy of love. Family, friends, guys, even God’s love. I let him down – I continuously let him down. I mean I’m still depressed, right? I have people in my life, and for that I’m thankful. Honestly, I really am. However, I can’t help but have this constant notion that no one will stay around forever. Everyone will leave me because no one really cares. I know people will always let me down. I can’t expect much from them. Does that mean I can’t expect much from myself? I can’t expect myself to be 100% okay like I want to be?

Maybe that’s the answer. To give myself grace because in the end, I’m human. But I really can’t do that. Doesn’t seem right. I don’t want to settle for being depressed. This feeling is not okay. I’m not okay. I cannot go on through life feeling like this. There has to be more. And I know there is – I’ve experienced it. Why can’t I stay at that place? Why can’t I permentantly reside at the place of happiness and peace?

Milk and honey

A constant prayer of mine is that God may truly “break my heart for what breaks his” (along with the rest of the lyrics of the song Hosana – the whole song is actually always a prayer of mine, I love it so much). That way, He is exposing my brokenness and sins and He can mold me into something beautiful – even if it hurts. I had no idea what I was asking for. a4533033456546a288f5457c73bfaefe

I knew at the end of the summer that God was preparing me for a new season in my life. Little did I know that within the next several weeks my life would turn into what felt like a train wreck.

Family issues at home resulting in facing multiple things from childhood. School work stressing me out. Relationship issues exposing sins I didn’t even realize I was dealing with. Beginning to deal with a real client caseload which is emotionally heavy. Unexpected medical diagnosis. A presidential election, a national reaction to it and a broken heart resulting from it all.  — All that just to say, it’s been a lot!

It’s weird making a list like that. Makes it feel like the things i’ve been dealing with aren’t a big deal because they’re so tangible. They’re right there, so black and white. Right? EH. Wrong.

It’s been taking  a real toll on me. Typically, I would be completely shut down. I mean I have retreated to a certain extent just for self-care, but not like I would in the past. Strangely enough, despite it all, I have an immense peace. Well, it’s not strange at all actually – I know this is God. I know He is allowing me to go through these things in order to mold me into a better person. Don’t get me wrong, some of it I brought it on myself. Some are consequences of my own sinful nature, and I’m accepting full responsibility. However, I’ve learned so much and grew so much just in a couple of weeks. I feel like a completely different person than I was a couple months ago.

I know I’m growing into who God wants me to be but I’m hurt, I’m not okay because of my present circumstances. But it comforts me knowing growth happens only through pain. Going through a desert is hard, but no one said living according to the word of God was easy. I know He honors it, though. I know He promises great things, so I can’t wait for Him to reveal His blessings. I know he’s bringing me to a land of milk and honey.

 

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28 ESV

Take heart

When you think the world has hardened you, remember these things I tell you:

No amount of guilt or shame can change the past and no quantity of anxiety will change your future.

You will one day find yourself thinking for hours that you are unable to think like you used to, and it’s okay. You will think you are unable to be the person you were, and that’s okay too. Life happens, and will continue to happen, so I encourage you to live knowing that you are strong enough to use the callouses given to you by this world.

Callouses are hardened skin made by discomfort and pain. They aren’t pretty but they’re not useless. Callouses give you better strength and grip, better tenacity and discipline. Callouses are what help you to control pain after the initial painful blister. Many people in throughout their lives have physical callouses, but many of us have emotional, psychological, and invisible callouses. It may be easy to harden your heart because of the situations presented to you. Some trouble you get yourself in, and some problems present in your life that are out of your control. It’s up to you to see them differently. Aren’t battle scars caused when you overcome the suffering?

Image result for take heart i have overcome the world

A diamond is one of the hardest minerals. They are incredibly pressurized carbon. Their cut and clarity can distinguish them, but isn’t a diamond a diamond? The name itself is so precious and worthy, and no one bats an eye when you claim to have one because they are universally understood as having value.

They are hard, and we can be too.

Doesn’t life pressure us sometimes? What can a stone do that we cannot? Have some backbone, and be a strong, precious person. Have your own cut, and make your own valuable carat through personal accomplishments. By the grace of God, you really can do it. There is no such thing as pure luck when it comes to our abilities, so become the best pluck from the mine. Even if buried hundreds and thousands of meters deep, you’ll still make it. The deeper you are, the deeper your potential to turn your life around.

When you feel that the problems of this world is beginning to harden you, take heart. There’s nothing greater than improvement or growth. Keep hope. Make small things, great accomplishments; make great things, small goals. Push through and stand tall. Nothing is worth giving up your dreams and life now. You will learn that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to his purpose for them (Romans 8:28).

Your life has been given to you as a precious gift, but in the end remember it’s not about you. It’s not about your pain or even who hurt you. You are the clay in the potter’s hands. Allow yourself to be broken, and remolded into something beautiful in the hands of our Creator. Because ultimately, life is for living but living for God. Life has been and always will be only about Jesus. Keep your focus on Him through your suffering and pain.

 

 

Treat yo’self.

I wrote this months ago, and forgot to publish it. Oops!

I think so often we forget to that in order to properly love others, we must first love ourselves. It is so easy to get caught up with life. Whether it may be school, work, relationships or just everyday stress: we often forget the simple act of self care.

When thinking about it objectively, taking care of yourself is easy and should come first. But one forgets. You forget to take a break and do something you love just because you deserve it. You forget to stop going on everyone else’s agenda and focus on your own. You forget that you’re important, too.

I’ve realized this recently. My personality type and even my profession allows it so that I’m consistently focusing on others, often putting myself on the back burner. I see this as a good thing, of course, but it has become extremely unhealthy.

So, I write this as a reminder to myself mostly.

It’s important to take care of yourself. Eat right and drink a lot of water. Work out! (Ugh, I know, that’s no fun – but it’s so good for you.) Put aside some time to do the things you like. I like to read and I like to paint. I’m often too tired to do anything.

So, here are some tips and tricks in order to better take care of yourself when life seems like it’s becoming too overwhelming.

  1. Have a good, long, body-shaking cry. Apparently crying is good for you – it releases toxins (you might want to look up the details on that).
  2. Call a trusted friend or family member and talk it out.
  3. Call in sick. Take comp time if you can. Take a mental health day. Treat yo’ self.
  4. Say no to extra obligations, chores, or anything that pulls on your precious self-care time. Once in a while, this is neccessary.
  5. Book a session (or more!) with your therapist (social worker).
  6. Dial down your expectations of yourself at this time. When you’re going through life’s tough times, soften your expectations of yourself and of others.
  7. Tuck yourself into bed early with a good book and clean sheets (added suggestion: take a nice shower before jumping into those clean sheets – thats my favorite thing to do!)
  8. Watch a comforting/silly/funny/lighthearted TV show or movie. (“Friends,” anyone?)
  9. Look at some some really gorgeous pieces of art.
  10. Watch YouTube videos of Ellen. She’s just great.
  11. Look at faith-in-humanity-restoring lists or videos from around the internet.
  12. Ask for help. From whomever you need it — your boss, your doctor, your partner, your therapist, your mom. Let people know you need some help.
  13. Wrap yourself up in a cozy fleece blanket and sip a cup of hot tea.
  14. Breathe. Deeply. Slowly. Four counts in. Six counts out.
  15. Hydrate Eat.  Rest.
  16. Go outside and be in the sunshine. Get some vitamin D, it actually helps.
  17. Move your body in ways that feel good. Maybe aim for 30 minutes. Or 10 minutes if 30 feels like too much.
  18. Read a story (or stories) of people who overcame adversity or maybe dealt with mental illness, too. (I personally admire Jamie Tworkowski’s story – read his book!)
  19. If you suspect something may be physiologically off with you, go see your doctor and/or psychiatrist and talk to them. Medication might help you at this time, and professionals can assist you in assessing this.
  20. Cuddle someone or something. Your partner. A pillow. Your dog.
  21. Read previous emails, postcards, letters, etc. from friends and family reminding you of happier, maybe simpler, times.
  22. Knit. Paint. Sculpt. Bake. Engage your hands.
  23. Write it out. Go free-form in a journal or on a computer. Get it all out and vent.
  24. Remind yourself you only have to get through the next five minutes. Then the next five. And so on.
  25. Most importantly. Take some time to meditate, to pray. Talk to God. 

tumblr_o6z2baqtri1rpu8e5o1_540

Better things are coming.

I know I often believe a big lie – one that I’m not loved.

I’ve been trying to not have to depend on any human  being for happiness.

I’ve been trying to remind myself of my worth, and to love myself despite not feeling loved by anyone else – or being loved by a guy.
Remind myself that I am in fact worthy of love, despite sometimes not feeling so.
That I know I’m young, so I still have time to meet my special someone – despite feeling like I’ll be alone forever. Platonically or romantically.

And I know it feels as if I have only came across very few great men, a few great people, but it doesn’t mean there is no hope for me.
That tomorrow is a new day. So often I feel alone. So often I want to give in to sadness. But tomorrow is a new day – push through today.

I need to be myself, for myself. Other people are just people. They are temporary.

I cannot let someone’s ability to see my worth mean that I am not worthy.

I deserve to be the most important person in someone’s life. Especially my own.
I deserve to have my dreams become a reality. They are not silly.

Who I am and what I do matters. I am not disposable.

One day a special person will value me. They will value my efforts. But first, I need to value me.
I am more than my past.

52d3efae9ce7fc281cd2df972a367e97