Same Old

You know. I always tend to find some hope for the future.

Something will change. Things will get better.

I’m starting to not believe that anymore. I look back to the things I used to feel, or even posts on here. I still feel the same exact way. I still feel alone, empty, hopeless, useless.

I was so proud of myself for getting off my anti-depressants. I really thought God had cured me. I had this whole epiphany. I thought that my life had changed forever. I’m slowly coming to the realization that I can never change. I will always be the mentally unstable girl. Will I always need to rely on pills for stability? For happiness? I hate to admit that they actually work. I hate to admit that I don’t always believe that “the joy of

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the Lord is my strength.” I hate to admit that “choosing joy” is nearly impossible for me. Why wouldn’t I “choose joy?” I’m a terrible Christian. Surely God hates me. I know he doesn’t. I know that when I’m sad I’m not rational. Logically, I know the truth. But really – why can’t I even trust him for my happiness? Honestly right now I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to turn?

I feel so alone. I feel unworthy of love. Family, friends, guys, even God’s love. I let him down – I continuously let him down. I mean I’m still depressed, right? I have people in my life, and for that I’m thankful. Honestly, I really am. However, I can’t help but have this constant notion that no one will stay around forever. Everyone will leave me because no one really cares. I know people will always let me down. I can’t expect much from them. Does that mean I can’t expect much from myself? I can’t expect myself to be 100% okay like I want to be?

Maybe that’s the answer. To give myself grace because in the end, I’m human. But I really can’t do that. Doesn’t seem right. I don’t want to settle for being depressed. This feeling is not okay. I’m not okay. I cannot go on through life feeling like this. There has to be more. And I know there is – I’ve experienced it. Why can’t I stay at that place? Why can’t I permentantly reside at the place of happiness and peace?

Milk and honey

A constant prayer of mine is that God may truly “break my heart for what breaks his” (along with the rest of the lyrics of the song Hosana – the whole song is actually always a prayer of mine, I love it so much). That way, He is exposing my brokenness and sins and He can mold me into something beautiful – even if it hurts. I had no idea what I was asking for. a4533033456546a288f5457c73bfaefe

I knew at the end of the summer that God was preparing me for a new season in my life. Little did I know that within the next several weeks my life would turn into what felt like a train wreck.

Family issues at home resulting in facing multiple things from childhood. School work stressing me out. Relationship issues exposing sins I didn’t even realize I was dealing with. Beginning to deal with a real client caseload which is emotionally heavy. Unexpected medical diagnosis. A presidential election, a national reaction to it and a broken heart resulting from it all.  — All that just to say, it’s been a lot!

It’s weird making a list like that. Makes it feel like the things i’ve been dealing with aren’t a big deal because they’re so tangible. They’re right there, so black and white. Right? EH. Wrong.

It’s been taking  a real toll on me. Typically, I would be completely shut down. I mean I have retreated to a certain extent just for self-care, but not like I would in the past. Strangely enough, despite it all, I have an immense peace. Well, it’s not strange at all actually – I know this is God. I know He is allowing me to go through these things in order to mold me into a better person. Don’t get me wrong, some of it I brought it on myself. Some are consequences of my own sinful nature, and I’m accepting full responsibility. However, I’ve learned so much and grew so much just in a couple of weeks. I feel like a completely different person than I was a couple months ago.

I know I’m growing into who God wants me to be but I’m hurt, I’m not okay because of my present circumstances. But it comforts me knowing growth happens only through pain. Going through a desert is hard, but no one said living according to the word of God was easy. I know He honors it, though. I know He promises great things, so I can’t wait for Him to reveal His blessings. I know he’s bringing me to a land of milk and honey.

 

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28 ESV

Take heart

When you think the world has hardened you, remember these things I tell you:

No amount of guilt or shame can change the past and no quantity of anxiety will change your future.

You will one day find yourself thinking for hours that you are unable to think like you used to, and it’s okay. You will think you are unable to be the person you were, and that’s okay too. Life happens, and will continue to happen, so I encourage you to live knowing that you are strong enough to use the callouses given to you by this world.

Callouses are hardened skin made by discomfort and pain. They aren’t pretty but they’re not useless. Callouses give you better strength and grip, better tenacity and discipline. Callouses are what help you to control pain after the initial painful blister. Many people in throughout their lives have physical callouses, but many of us have emotional, psychological, and invisible callouses. It may be easy to harden your heart because of the situations presented to you. Some trouble you get yourself in, and some problems present in your life that are out of your control. It’s up to you to see them differently. Aren’t battle scars caused when you overcome the suffering?

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A diamond is one of the hardest minerals. They are incredibly pressurized carbon. Their cut and clarity can distinguish them, but isn’t a diamond a diamond? The name itself is so precious and worthy, and no one bats an eye when you claim to have one because they are universally understood as having value.

They are hard, and we can be too.

Doesn’t life pressure us sometimes? What can a stone do that we cannot? Have some backbone, and be a strong, precious person. Have your own cut, and make your own valuable carat through personal accomplishments. By the grace of God, you really can do it. There is no such thing as pure luck when it comes to our abilities, so become the best pluck from the mine. Even if buried hundreds and thousands of meters deep, you’ll still make it. The deeper you are, the deeper your potential to turn your life around.

When you feel that the problems of this world is beginning to harden you, take heart. There’s nothing greater than improvement or growth. Keep hope. Make small things, great accomplishments; make great things, small goals. Push through and stand tall. Nothing is worth giving up your dreams and life now. You will learn that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to his purpose for them (Romans 8:28).

Your life has been given to you as a precious gift, but in the end remember it’s not about you. It’s not about your pain or even who hurt you. You are the clay in the potter’s hands. Allow yourself to be broken, and remolded into something beautiful in the hands of our Creator. Because ultimately, life is for living but living for God. Life has been and always will be only about Jesus. Keep your focus on Him through your suffering and pain.

 

 

Treat yo’self.

I wrote this months ago, and forgot to publish it. Oops!

I think so often we forget to that in order to properly love others, we must first love ourselves. It is so easy to get caught up with life. Whether it may be school, work, relationships or just everyday stress: we often forget the simple act of self care.

When thinking about it objectively, taking care of yourself is easy and should come first. But one forgets. You forget to take a break and do something you love just because you deserve it. You forget to stop going on everyone else’s agenda and focus on your own. You forget that you’re important, too.

I’ve realized this recently. My personality type and even my profession allows it so that I’m consistently focusing on others, often putting myself on the back burner. I see this as a good thing, of course, but it has become extremely unhealthy.

So, I write this as a reminder to myself mostly.

It’s important to take care of yourself. Eat right and drink a lot of water. Work out! (Ugh, I know, that’s no fun – but it’s so good for you.) Put aside some time to do the things you like. I like to read and I like to paint. I’m often too tired to do anything.

So, here are some tips and tricks in order to better take care of yourself when life seems like it’s becoming too overwhelming.

  1. Have a good, long, body-shaking cry. Apparently crying is good for you – it releases toxins (you might want to look up the details on that).
  2. Call a trusted friend or family member and talk it out.
  3. Call in sick. Take comp time if you can. Take a mental health day. Treat yo’ self.
  4. Say no to extra obligations, chores, or anything that pulls on your precious self-care time. Once in a while, this is neccessary.
  5. Book a session (or more!) with your therapist (social worker).
  6. Dial down your expectations of yourself at this time. When you’re going through life’s tough times, soften your expectations of yourself and of others.
  7. Tuck yourself into bed early with a good book and clean sheets (added suggestion: take a nice shower before jumping into those clean sheets – thats my favorite thing to do!)
  8. Watch a comforting/silly/funny/lighthearted TV show or movie. (“Friends,” anyone?)
  9. Look at some some really gorgeous pieces of art.
  10. Watch YouTube videos of Ellen. She’s just great.
  11. Look at faith-in-humanity-restoring lists or videos from around the internet.
  12. Ask for help. From whomever you need it — your boss, your doctor, your partner, your therapist, your mom. Let people know you need some help.
  13. Wrap yourself up in a cozy fleece blanket and sip a cup of hot tea.
  14. Breathe. Deeply. Slowly. Four counts in. Six counts out.
  15. Hydrate Eat.  Rest.
  16. Go outside and be in the sunshine. Get some vitamin D, it actually helps.
  17. Move your body in ways that feel good. Maybe aim for 30 minutes. Or 10 minutes if 30 feels like too much.
  18. Read a story (or stories) of people who overcame adversity or maybe dealt with mental illness, too. (I personally admire Jamie Tworkowski’s story – read his book!)
  19. If you suspect something may be physiologically off with you, go see your doctor and/or psychiatrist and talk to them. Medication might help you at this time, and professionals can assist you in assessing this.
  20. Cuddle someone or something. Your partner. A pillow. Your dog.
  21. Read previous emails, postcards, letters, etc. from friends and family reminding you of happier, maybe simpler, times.
  22. Knit. Paint. Sculpt. Bake. Engage your hands.
  23. Write it out. Go free-form in a journal or on a computer. Get it all out and vent.
  24. Remind yourself you only have to get through the next five minutes. Then the next five. And so on.
  25. Most importantly. Take some time to meditate, to pray. Talk to God. 

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Better things are coming.

I know I often believe a big lie – one that I’m not loved.

I’ve been trying to not have to depend on any human  being for happiness.

I’ve been trying to remind myself of my worth, and to love myself despite not feeling loved by anyone else – or being loved by a guy.
Remind myself that I am in fact worthy of love, despite sometimes not feeling so.
That I know I’m young, so I still have time to meet my special someone – despite feeling like I’ll be alone forever. Platonically or romantically.

And I know it feels as if I have only came across very few great men, a few great people, but it doesn’t mean there is no hope for me.
That tomorrow is a new day. So often I feel alone. So often I want to give in to sadness. But tomorrow is a new day – push through today.

I need to be myself, for myself. Other people are just people. They are temporary.

I cannot let someone’s ability to see my worth mean that I am not worthy.

I deserve to be the most important person in someone’s life. Especially my own.
I deserve to have my dreams become a reality. They are not silly.

Who I am and what I do matters. I am not disposable.

One day a special person will value me. They will value my efforts. But first, I need to value me.
I am more than my past.

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Tired of feeling weary

I often wonder if anyone else feels the way I do. If I’m truly alone in this like I feel I am.
Empty, hopeless, worthless

So much of me is simply tired. Tired of having to fight to be okay everyday. Most people take happiness for granted. Or simply the feeling of being content in their everyday lives. I long for that. I long for the days were my mood is elevated and I’m just consistently okay. Because truth is right now I’m not okay, and I don’t know when I’ll become okay. I want to give up. I think part of me already has.

drowning-in-depression-printsI want all of this to be over.
I feel so alone in this fight. Like there is no one else out there that both understands how I feel and cares enough to be there. Even if someone doesn’t fully understand, I’d be nice for someone to try. Try to be that person there for me that proves that they aren’t like the others. To be someone I can depend on. Someone that won’t leave when the going gets tough. They will have patience with me and love me like I need them too.

I sound so needy. And I partially know that I am and hate myself for it. Why can’t I just snap out of this? I know thats not possible, I just wish it was.  Why must I continue to feel so dependent on others, and why can’t I stop? I need to stop.

I’m so tired. I don’t know what to do.

I need constant reminders that I need to keep pushing.

That I don’t really want to die, I just want to stop hurting. But. Right now. I’m not sure if that’s true.

I’m angry at myself. I’m angry I find myself in this position time and time again. I’m angry that I’m supposed to be getting better in time. It’s like I take two steps forward then one step back. This gets me so upset. I am supposed to be helping others like myself. Not feeling desperate for someone to reach out and help me. I feel hopeless. I feel I’ll never get out of this.